Ironman has come and gone. By pretty much all standards, it was a good day... The weather was kind to us with 70* temps which made running the easiest I have ever remembered, the swim was decent and the bike was, well windy, but beatable. The crowds were out in force and the energy of the day was high. Of course there are things I could have gone without... the flat tire on the bike, being so close to my goal that I had tried to not worry about, as I thought it was unattainable... but in the end, I was supported by amazing people, shared the day with inspiring athletes & friends and PR'd by a half hour. I don't remember ever having so much fun on the run portion of a triathlon, so all those things point to a successful day. But things have become harder... somewhere over the years I have crossed over into the world where "finishing" an Ironman doesn't seem to be the focus, that the question is no longer "how did you feel?" - it has become immediately "what time did you finish??" I suppose I should take that as a compliment in some ways... that people now see me as an athlete, or maybe someone they expect to go fast, but for someone who is already far too competitive, this seems to just add a level of pressure or unsatisifaction for me. I feel the need to explain why my bike segment wasn't as fast as it should have been (and knowingly that I was on track for)... to explain that it is a bittersweet end to the season as I was so close to a goal I have wanted forever... I can not be fully disappointed, because it was a good day and I crushed my previous time, but I don't feel like I can truly celebrate because I know what it could have been. It's been a really rough stretch and I NEEDED that time. I needed to be truly happy about something. So it continues... the strive to be better, the steps to be where I want to be, to get what I need to be happy. It is hard. Sometimes I even wonder if it's possible.
There are these things I don't understand. Things that change on a dime and although they make sense to me to a point, I ultimately just can not wrap my mind around them. For example there is the green light. A light that used to make my heart explode with happiness every time I saw it light up... and I believe it used to feel the same way to the other side of the green light... but how much that has changed. I now watch the green light realizing that the happiness that is tied to that green light might never be the same. That the green light now makes my heart hurt, because I don't understand how things can change so quickly and so ultimately. And why does my heart not work the same? I understand... I do... and I am trying... but man is it hard. Hard to convince that the green light still means the same, that it is as powerful as it once was, because in my heart, it is, but the happiness is not there to accompany it. So the race continues. The race to be better, to beat the clock that so loudly is ticking down. To recapture the happiness behind the green light. The green light means everything to me.
The Ironman is a race of 1, surrounded by many. This is just a race of 1.
I know I can finish an Ironman...
Friday, September 14, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Enough
So the good news is that I made it out for that ride... and a few more since. I've had some strong runs, some refreshing swims, and great appreciation that I have Ironman to focus on, even though the focus has been anywhere but there. I am simply going through the motions... which I can thank my 8 year base for :) Perhaps when the focus is not on what is so important to me is when it will work out for me? Here's hoping.
This week has been a hard one. Although I am still going to support my last blog and hope for the best, this week has brought up other hard realizations... sometimes you just don't win. It doesn't matter how badly you want something, how hard you fight, how much of yourself you give, it just isn't going to roll in your favor. On a personal level, I am sadly finding that to be far too true. There are so many things I am absolutely sure of, that I would give the world for, that I dream of and believe in 110%, but reality is that maybe it's not enough. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to be a superhero, it might mean that my armor just doesn't shine as brightly as it could, that my armor is weaker than it should be and that some of my powers aren't as powerful as I want them to be. It is a struggle... but that's my effort to become a superhero. On the other side there is a real-life superhero that has done everything in his power, defied odds, barriers and limitations. He is facing the end of his life, which has been much too short. A man that has battled cancer for 10 years, never giving in and changing lives... so many lives... along the way. He has earned his superhero status 5,000 times over. If we are honest, we could say that he has ultimately won in that he got 10 years when he should have had a year and a half... but the reality is that it's still not right. A good deserving person is going to lose because life doesn't make sense. I don't know how to wrap my mind around that.
I wish Eric the best. And I thank him for being such an inspiration to so many, including myself. Ultimately my problems mean nothing compared to what he has faced and what he is up against, but I do realize that they are still important. They are worth listening to and respecting, because at the end of the day, we are always doing the best we can and fighting for what we want or believe in. I am hoping that there is a beautiful meaning behind all this because the alternate would be cruel. I am going to stick with my thought that there is only one reason for this happening and it is because it leads to ultimate happiness in the end, but I think about Eric and I'm not so sure. Maybe he was meant to be a guardian angel... both on earth and off. I think he's up to the job and anyone would be insanely lucky to get him. Maybe that is his reason.
In the meantime, I'm going to ask for a little more strength, and courage and resilience to keep going after what I so desperately need and want for my life. I'm doing the best I can, I just hope it's enough.
Eric, you are amazing. I hope for great things for you, wherever your path might take you.
This week has been a hard one. Although I am still going to support my last blog and hope for the best, this week has brought up other hard realizations... sometimes you just don't win. It doesn't matter how badly you want something, how hard you fight, how much of yourself you give, it just isn't going to roll in your favor. On a personal level, I am sadly finding that to be far too true. There are so many things I am absolutely sure of, that I would give the world for, that I dream of and believe in 110%, but reality is that maybe it's not enough. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to be a superhero, it might mean that my armor just doesn't shine as brightly as it could, that my armor is weaker than it should be and that some of my powers aren't as powerful as I want them to be. It is a struggle... but that's my effort to become a superhero. On the other side there is a real-life superhero that has done everything in his power, defied odds, barriers and limitations. He is facing the end of his life, which has been much too short. A man that has battled cancer for 10 years, never giving in and changing lives... so many lives... along the way. He has earned his superhero status 5,000 times over. If we are honest, we could say that he has ultimately won in that he got 10 years when he should have had a year and a half... but the reality is that it's still not right. A good deserving person is going to lose because life doesn't make sense. I don't know how to wrap my mind around that.
I wish Eric the best. And I thank him for being such an inspiration to so many, including myself. Ultimately my problems mean nothing compared to what he has faced and what he is up against, but I do realize that they are still important. They are worth listening to and respecting, because at the end of the day, we are always doing the best we can and fighting for what we want or believe in. I am hoping that there is a beautiful meaning behind all this because the alternate would be cruel. I am going to stick with my thought that there is only one reason for this happening and it is because it leads to ultimate happiness in the end, but I think about Eric and I'm not so sure. Maybe he was meant to be a guardian angel... both on earth and off. I think he's up to the job and anyone would be insanely lucky to get him. Maybe that is his reason.
In the meantime, I'm going to ask for a little more strength, and courage and resilience to keep going after what I so desperately need and want for my life. I'm doing the best I can, I just hope it's enough.
Eric, you are amazing. I hope for great things for you, wherever your path might take you.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Life
So it tells me that my last post was in 2009. That's sad.
I'm not sure why I'm starting up again, but feel that I need an outlet, maybe some inspiration and a definite change. But as we know, change can be hard... life rolls so quickly and sometimes just trying to keep up is struggle enough. I think I have found myself here. So how do we re-grab control? I'll take suggestions if you have them!
It's been a rough couple years, but someone mentioned "character building" which made me start to think... was this all the master plan? To build me into a warrior? To make me stronger, or to break me down enough that I have to re-evaluate? I'm not going to pretend and say that I am enjoying this, because I'm not, but HOPEFULLY there will be a beneficial outcome, a solid purpose, that later in life I can look back and say it was all worth it.
As I'm heading into my last month of training before what will be my 9th Ironman Wisconsin, reflection is great. The past two years has been full of injuries, emotional chaos, moments of strength and success, breakdown, tears and smiles... I think when looking back, everyone would say they have experienced all of those things... so are our characters becoming stronger? The positive answer would be yes, as long as you continue to move forward. I need to learn how to move forward - because right now I feel I am on the pedestal of the American Gladiators jousting event, refusing to fall off, but definitely not winning the battle.
The good news is that I'm determined. I'll get through Ironman this year, even if the goal I want might be out of my reach. I'll put on the smile that is "me" that cheerleads on the world and everyone I encounter and I'll continue to fight, because at the end of this tunnel, there has to be a light. And I believe that light is going to be blinding, because when we struggle, I don't believe we struggle only to come out beaten. I am going to believe that we are "character building" and at the end we will come out with a shiny coat of armor, a superhero emblem on our chest and our heads held high.
But first, get through Ironman. Starting with this ride, I so greatly don't feel like doing.
Here's to all the budding warriors and superheros out there. I am going to be amazing and I feel bad for anyone that gives up on me before I get there. I'm going for the dream and I hope the cast that I want there, will be there in the end, because it's going to be fun.
I'm not sure why I'm starting up again, but feel that I need an outlet, maybe some inspiration and a definite change. But as we know, change can be hard... life rolls so quickly and sometimes just trying to keep up is struggle enough. I think I have found myself here. So how do we re-grab control? I'll take suggestions if you have them!
It's been a rough couple years, but someone mentioned "character building" which made me start to think... was this all the master plan? To build me into a warrior? To make me stronger, or to break me down enough that I have to re-evaluate? I'm not going to pretend and say that I am enjoying this, because I'm not, but HOPEFULLY there will be a beneficial outcome, a solid purpose, that later in life I can look back and say it was all worth it.
As I'm heading into my last month of training before what will be my 9th Ironman Wisconsin, reflection is great. The past two years has been full of injuries, emotional chaos, moments of strength and success, breakdown, tears and smiles... I think when looking back, everyone would say they have experienced all of those things... so are our characters becoming stronger? The positive answer would be yes, as long as you continue to move forward. I need to learn how to move forward - because right now I feel I am on the pedestal of the American Gladiators jousting event, refusing to fall off, but definitely not winning the battle.
The good news is that I'm determined. I'll get through Ironman this year, even if the goal I want might be out of my reach. I'll put on the smile that is "me" that cheerleads on the world and everyone I encounter and I'll continue to fight, because at the end of this tunnel, there has to be a light. And I believe that light is going to be blinding, because when we struggle, I don't believe we struggle only to come out beaten. I am going to believe that we are "character building" and at the end we will come out with a shiny coat of armor, a superhero emblem on our chest and our heads held high.
But first, get through Ironman. Starting with this ride, I so greatly don't feel like doing.
Here's to all the budding warriors and superheros out there. I am going to be amazing and I feel bad for anyone that gives up on me before I get there. I'm going for the dream and I hope the cast that I want there, will be there in the end, because it's going to be fun.
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