The Green Light

Ironman has come and gone. By pretty much all standards, it was a good day... The weather was kind to us with 70* temps which made running the easiest I have ever remembered, the swim was decent and the bike was, well windy, but beatable. The crowds were out in force and the energy of the day was high. Of course there are things I could have gone without... the flat tire on the bike, being so close to my goal that I had tried to not worry about, as I thought it was unattainable... but in the end, I was supported by amazing people, shared the day with inspiring athletes & friends and PR'd by a half hour. I don't remember ever having so much fun on the run portion of a triathlon, so all those things point to a successful day. But things have become harder... somewhere over the years I have crossed over into the world where "finishing" an Ironman doesn't seem to be the focus, that the question is no longer "how did you feel?" - it has become immediately "what time did you finish??" I suppose I should take that as a compliment in some ways... that people now see me as an athlete, or maybe someone they expect to go fast, but for someone who is already far too competitive, this seems to just add a level of pressure or unsatisifaction for me. I feel the need to explain why my bike segment wasn't as fast as it should have been (and knowingly that I was on track for)... to explain that it is a bittersweet end to the season as I was so close to a goal I have wanted forever... I can not be fully disappointed, because it was a good day and I crushed my previous time, but I don't feel like I can truly celebrate because I know what it could have been. It's been a really rough stretch and I NEEDED that time. I needed to be truly happy about something. So it continues... the strive to be better, the steps to be where I want to be, to get what I need to be happy. It is hard. Sometimes I even wonder if it's possible.

There are these things I don't understand. Things that change on a dime and although they make sense to me to a point, I ultimately just can not wrap my mind around them. For example there is the green light. A light that used to make my heart explode with happiness every time I saw it light up... and I believe it used to feel the same way to the other side of the green light... but how much that has changed. I now watch the green light realizing that the happiness that is tied to that green light might never be the same. That the green light now makes my heart hurt, because I don't understand how things can change so quickly and so ultimately. And why does my heart not work the same? I understand... I do... and I am trying... but man is it hard. Hard to convince that the green light still means the same, that it is as powerful as it once was, because in my heart, it is, but the happiness is not there to accompany it. So the race continues. The race to be better, to beat the clock that so loudly is ticking down. To recapture the happiness behind the green light. The green light means everything to me.

The Ironman is a race of 1, surrounded by many. This is just a race of 1.
I know I can finish an Ironman...